JUNE 11th

A year ago today, I arrived in a new city, all on my own. Within 24 hours of opening the front door to my new home, I experienced an attempted home invasion. Unsure whether it was luck, the universe, or something else, I made it through mostly unharmed.

With a knife in my hand, I was standing in the dark, peering around a corner. Watching and hearing people shake and rattle the doors and windows. They were yelling at me through the walls.

Wondering, could I physically fight my way out of this, and what if I kill someone? Then, the doorknob to the back door broke - falling into the kitchen floor. 

This event triggered PTSD and depression, which was escalated by a breakup with my partner combined with feeling a lack of purpose in my career and personal life. I felt like a failure, I hated my job, and I was racking up substantial debt.

I refused to let anyone know I needed help - I’m not really sure I knew I needed help. I started disassociating and depersonalizing to such a degree I would go days believing nothing was real – everything was made up. My hands were not mine, and everyone I loved was a figment of my imagination. Nothing mattered, and in this nothingness, I felt peace.

In September, I was suicidal, I didn’t want to do life anymore. No purpose, no hope, no community. I had a plan for ending my life and was getting ready to start dispersing my things. I wouldn’t have reached out for professional help if my ex hadn’t noticed I was having a mental health crisis.

I sat in the therapist’s chair, introduced myself, started crying, and told him, “I need help.”

Now, I am here in a new place, with a new job and new people. Armed with a growing sense of purpose and direction and an invaluable friendship with my ex-partner. Sometimes I still struggle with my “raging” co-dependency and depression, but more and more days are bright. I'm finding Mika.

Mika wasn’t lost in that shitty house next to THE meth dwelling of Tallahassee - she’d been lost for many years.

I needed a shock to my system - I would have stayed in a stagnant, unfulfilling place without it.

On May 4th I arrived in Santa Fe, my new home. Writing this somehow makes me feel like I'm finishing unpacking. I couldn’t talk about what happened in Florida until March. When I finally talked about it – it was casual, with a stranger, and I made a joke.

Healing isn’t always noticeable at the moment, but the heart and the mind are strong and creative. 

Welcome to my curiosity cabinet - where it doesn’t matter what makes me giggle or where I find purpose - it’s a place for me to nourish and grow, to evolve.

Cheers to being humble, brave, nonjudgmental, and curious with oneself and the rest of the world.

XX -M